dentist

well i woke up pretty early and i helped my mum take some of the bags of clothes to the all saints then i went onto the dentist where i got my filling put in, after that i went ot the citizens advice bureau who advised me to ask at the college. i reserved a book for mum, 'percy jackson and the sea of monsters' it's rather good, i've read it before. but i need to finish the books that i've got at the moment.

well good night

something

i only did the washing up today, slept for the most part other than that, loitered on the internet. thats it

good night.

cleaning

i helped to clear out a bit of my grandmas house, but last night i got drunk and had an argument with my dad,  and i spent most of the night crying, i couldn't handle it. i'm not sure if i still can. but things can only get better from here, and life goes on whatever happens.

good night

more death

well today i found out that my grandma had died, and it's late so i'll talk about it tommorow.

good night

well

not much happened today, but i did think about the suprise visit to tasha. thats it for today, well i'm completely up to date on what i've been reading online and i am bored to hell.

good night

nothing

nothing to report today so good night

stuff

well first i got my hair cut, well, only a trim, but cut is shorter in the phone calander. then to the dentist and it turns out that i'll be needing a filling. i don't mind, it happens. i got shades of grey out of the library, i've started it and it seems alright so far. but other than that i loitered at home, had lasagne, and it was good.

well good night.

woot

i didn't do much, i got up late but i finally completed the third chapter of mardek.

thats it, good night.

boredom

i woke up late and didn't do anything of great interest.

good night

simplicity

well college was short, i only had a lesson of costing to do, and it was incredibly easy. other than that i didn't do much, i contemplated whether or not i actually had any friends, it was rather painful when i though about it, in hindsight, that is very materialistic of me, i think that the ones that i do have would stand by me if i needed them, and that is what matters the most.


good night

possibilities

it's a half term next week, so i was thinking about visiting tasha, i haven't seen or spoken to her in a while, or at least what feels like an age. If i tried to surprise her i don't know what kind of repsonse i would get, i did plan to visit her with rachel, that isn't much of a possibity now. but i could do with a bit of cheering up. i should definitely go and see someone maybe michael and maybe see abi. but i don't know, i've always been indecisive.

well good night

lonely

I can count the number of friends i have on one hand. and now I've lost rachel, and i only have a vague idea why, i know that anything i said to her was the truth through my eyes, now she won't talk to me. I don't know what to do, well, i've never really known what to do, people have always been a mystery to me, but i was still asked advice about people even though i've told people that i'm no good, but they still asked me, and then i got blamed if it was bad advice, maybe i've got one of those faces. A social reject asked about social problems. What could possibly go wrong. well now i've lost someone, and it is destroying me. I am a person defined by those around me which is ironic when put against my social ability. well that's todays little rant over, but it will probably be more of the same for a while. at least until this empty feeling subsides a bit, or if i find someone to fill the void again. I doubt that i will do that any time soon.

well
good night

bleughh

well i got a bollockong for waking up at 3 in the afternoon, well it was understandable because i had things that needed to be done. I thought about going to see rachel or at least to stick a card through her letter box. is this me giving up or not, i don't know. but if i don't talk to her i'll be breaking a promise i made to her a while ago. well i know that i want to keep it but i don't know if she will let me...

good night

empty

well i woke up today, i didn't do anything and i feel like my life is lacking the spark that i need to drive onwards and find my purpose. well thats it

good night

missed me

well if i hadn't gone to st ives on thursday i would not be making this post now because i would have gone to orton to visit michael, as abi reminded me. it feels nice to be noticed and recognised as not being there. because i think that that is one of the better pieces of observation that a person can make, i mean noticing something that is not there to be noticed is quite a feat and is a part of the human race that really cn set it apart from the rest of the world, that and its savagery. but in britain we are 'civilized', though i use it warily, what is civilization? it is only really a modern invention isn't it, but i have made the argument that history defines the individual but is useless for the society because of its nature.

well i've rambled enough, good night

disappointment

well last night i was in st. Ives for drinks with a few people. it started off all right i didn't pay for any drinks while we were in the first pub. then we went to the club and i got wasted, and i couldn't stop staring at rachel, even while she was in zandy's arms. it broke me inside a little, well i feel empty anyway so i ignore my feelings like that, while sober anyway. I know i pissed off rachel, i'm not sure how but she hasn't spoken to me since she told me to 'leave her alone' and that she 'didn't want to talk to me' that hurt me, i won't give up though because she told me not to in the first place so i'll try not to.

but today was alright, i did barely anything, wasn't much to do at college. although i do have a pain in the pit of my stomach, i think that it is the regret of not talking to rachel as much as i could have, because i am more honest and it may have been better, or it may have made matters worse, either way, drunk or not i still have no real confidence. and i still can't handle people or emotions.

exam

i had my computerised accounts exam tody, it was alot shorter than i expected it to be, i reckon that i did alright, it wasn't anything that i couldn't handle. i'm really getting into Air Gear, it is getting pretty strange actually. and i'm going to st ives to drink with rachel and other people, should be good.

night then

rush

well the time ran away with me and i have an exam in the morning so i'm going to cut this short and go to bed

night

music

well i went into town and met rachel about an hour after the time we agreed because of the stupid hairdressers she went to. but other than that it was a good day, played alot of tetris and listened to aerosmith, they have some really emotive songs particularly 'i don't wanna miss a thing', just brilliant
well good night.

best laid plans...

well i was invited to the cinema, but i wouldn't be able to afford it and huntingdon with drinks, well it should be interesting tommorow because i'm meeting rachel again, i've been seeing her alot recently, it does make me think about her alot more than i did, well my heart feels a bit stoney so i'll not put much thought to it.

good night

coughs

well today michael turned up and loitered for a while, watched football and rugby, despite not being particularly sports orientated, either of us. i've agreed to go to st.ives to see rachel and other people, so in theory i can just about afford to get there, drinks will be another question, i might just be able to afford a couple drinks if i scrounge about. maybe even more, either way i can get there and that is what matters, anyway i'm not sure if me getting very drunk and then staying at rachels is a very good idea because i know what i'm like.

my cough is like hell it's had me on my knees a few times, i hope it clears up soon.

well thoughts up good night

reading

well, i've been reading manga for a while now and i've eaten through a load of them, why is it that story arcs are cut off too soon eh? oh well onwards and upwards

good night

sleepiness

well i woke up for my driving lesson today, i was jaded, and did it, so i was told by the instructor to wake up more before i start the lesson then. all saints wasn't on for today because they were at a trip to cambridge. so i just loitered at home mostly.
good night then

continuity

the day rolled out pretty much the same as yesterday apart from no doctors
well, good night

missed

well i missed yesterdays post, but it was a good day went ice skating with rachel like i said i would, i actually managed to get her out onto the ice and skating. she wouldn't let go of my hand, it did make me feel needed and a bit lovedmet a nice bloke who showed the pair of us how to stop. it was wonderful. after that we waited in town for zandy, she couldn't stop thinking about him, kept saying his name, i wish someone missed me that much. i suppose that i'll find someone eventually. but those thoughts don't change the pain inside me.

today i visited the doctors about my cough, i've been prescribed a throat spray and he suggested that i get some ear drops for my ear wax, which i suppose is screwing with my hearing, but i don't know if i'll notice the change, maybe it'll make everything clearer, and i've been feelin very tired recently. i reckon that i've been overdoing it and staying awake for too long.
well good night