tuesdays

well today was ok, i went into college and i did a bit of accountancy, i found the last of the scott pilgrim comics, i think that they were rather good, better than the film, i want to find the kick ass comics now, i've read the first load but now i want to find the second season. i've heard about the storyline but i can't find the actual comic, apart from on youtube, but that just gets in the way.

well good night

northampton

well i've been in northampton since saturday, on saturday i mostly loitered in the town centre with tasha then went to the library where i helped her with a bit of coursework, that was fun, then it was back to hers after that. i stayed the night, well i didn't plan to, it just seemed like a good idea at the time, so i went to sleep and loitered in her flat and played zoo tycoon, after that she gave me a lift to the bus station so i could get home but the buses didn't run to peterborough by that time. so i had to stay again, didn't bother me, but i got up in this morning and her gran turned up, we went into the town centre and toured the shops, tasha bought a few things and we had something to eat at weatherspoons then it was back to peterborough, her gran gave me a lift, back home and i checked up on everything on my laptop, i started to read scott pilgrim the comic after i watch the film with tasha, it was very good, but they have taken a bit of the story out from what i've read so far which would have been good in the film, not like kick ass because i did like the changes that they made for that, i wouldn't mind to see when that comes out.

good night

*sigh*

i went into college, it's a friday so it's only a half day, mum gave me an advert for a trainee accountancy and wants me to apply, i will do, but i'm not sure if i'm good enough of a people person to manage a proper interview. i'm also going to visit tasha tommorow, should be interesting because it's a two hour bus ride but the end is worth it. I can't wait to see her, it's been too long.

well good night

eep

i've let this slide, i'm sorry but i haven't done much other than sleep, although i am going to northampton to visit tasha on the weekend, she should be there, hopefully.

good night

dentist

well i woke up pretty early and i helped my mum take some of the bags of clothes to the all saints then i went onto the dentist where i got my filling put in, after that i went ot the citizens advice bureau who advised me to ask at the college. i reserved a book for mum, 'percy jackson and the sea of monsters' it's rather good, i've read it before. but i need to finish the books that i've got at the moment.

well good night

something

i only did the washing up today, slept for the most part other than that, loitered on the internet. thats it

good night.

cleaning

i helped to clear out a bit of my grandmas house, but last night i got drunk and had an argument with my dad,  and i spent most of the night crying, i couldn't handle it. i'm not sure if i still can. but things can only get better from here, and life goes on whatever happens.

good night

more death

well today i found out that my grandma had died, and it's late so i'll talk about it tommorow.

good night

well

not much happened today, but i did think about the suprise visit to tasha. thats it for today, well i'm completely up to date on what i've been reading online and i am bored to hell.

good night

nothing

nothing to report today so good night

stuff

well first i got my hair cut, well, only a trim, but cut is shorter in the phone calander. then to the dentist and it turns out that i'll be needing a filling. i don't mind, it happens. i got shades of grey out of the library, i've started it and it seems alright so far. but other than that i loitered at home, had lasagne, and it was good.

well good night.

woot

i didn't do much, i got up late but i finally completed the third chapter of mardek.

thats it, good night.

boredom

i woke up late and didn't do anything of great interest.

good night

simplicity

well college was short, i only had a lesson of costing to do, and it was incredibly easy. other than that i didn't do much, i contemplated whether or not i actually had any friends, it was rather painful when i though about it, in hindsight, that is very materialistic of me, i think that the ones that i do have would stand by me if i needed them, and that is what matters the most.


good night

possibilities

it's a half term next week, so i was thinking about visiting tasha, i haven't seen or spoken to her in a while, or at least what feels like an age. If i tried to surprise her i don't know what kind of repsonse i would get, i did plan to visit her with rachel, that isn't much of a possibity now. but i could do with a bit of cheering up. i should definitely go and see someone maybe michael and maybe see abi. but i don't know, i've always been indecisive.

well good night

lonely

I can count the number of friends i have on one hand. and now I've lost rachel, and i only have a vague idea why, i know that anything i said to her was the truth through my eyes, now she won't talk to me. I don't know what to do, well, i've never really known what to do, people have always been a mystery to me, but i was still asked advice about people even though i've told people that i'm no good, but they still asked me, and then i got blamed if it was bad advice, maybe i've got one of those faces. A social reject asked about social problems. What could possibly go wrong. well now i've lost someone, and it is destroying me. I am a person defined by those around me which is ironic when put against my social ability. well that's todays little rant over, but it will probably be more of the same for a while. at least until this empty feeling subsides a bit, or if i find someone to fill the void again. I doubt that i will do that any time soon.

well
good night

bleughh

well i got a bollockong for waking up at 3 in the afternoon, well it was understandable because i had things that needed to be done. I thought about going to see rachel or at least to stick a card through her letter box. is this me giving up or not, i don't know. but if i don't talk to her i'll be breaking a promise i made to her a while ago. well i know that i want to keep it but i don't know if she will let me...

good night

empty

well i woke up today, i didn't do anything and i feel like my life is lacking the spark that i need to drive onwards and find my purpose. well thats it

good night

missed me

well if i hadn't gone to st ives on thursday i would not be making this post now because i would have gone to orton to visit michael, as abi reminded me. it feels nice to be noticed and recognised as not being there. because i think that that is one of the better pieces of observation that a person can make, i mean noticing something that is not there to be noticed is quite a feat and is a part of the human race that really cn set it apart from the rest of the world, that and its savagery. but in britain we are 'civilized', though i use it warily, what is civilization? it is only really a modern invention isn't it, but i have made the argument that history defines the individual but is useless for the society because of its nature.

well i've rambled enough, good night

disappointment

well last night i was in st. Ives for drinks with a few people. it started off all right i didn't pay for any drinks while we were in the first pub. then we went to the club and i got wasted, and i couldn't stop staring at rachel, even while she was in zandy's arms. it broke me inside a little, well i feel empty anyway so i ignore my feelings like that, while sober anyway. I know i pissed off rachel, i'm not sure how but she hasn't spoken to me since she told me to 'leave her alone' and that she 'didn't want to talk to me' that hurt me, i won't give up though because she told me not to in the first place so i'll try not to.

but today was alright, i did barely anything, wasn't much to do at college. although i do have a pain in the pit of my stomach, i think that it is the regret of not talking to rachel as much as i could have, because i am more honest and it may have been better, or it may have made matters worse, either way, drunk or not i still have no real confidence. and i still can't handle people or emotions.

exam

i had my computerised accounts exam tody, it was alot shorter than i expected it to be, i reckon that i did alright, it wasn't anything that i couldn't handle. i'm really getting into Air Gear, it is getting pretty strange actually. and i'm going to st ives to drink with rachel and other people, should be good.

night then

rush

well the time ran away with me and i have an exam in the morning so i'm going to cut this short and go to bed

night

music

well i went into town and met rachel about an hour after the time we agreed because of the stupid hairdressers she went to. but other than that it was a good day, played alot of tetris and listened to aerosmith, they have some really emotive songs particularly 'i don't wanna miss a thing', just brilliant
well good night.

best laid plans...

well i was invited to the cinema, but i wouldn't be able to afford it and huntingdon with drinks, well it should be interesting tommorow because i'm meeting rachel again, i've been seeing her alot recently, it does make me think about her alot more than i did, well my heart feels a bit stoney so i'll not put much thought to it.

good night

coughs

well today michael turned up and loitered for a while, watched football and rugby, despite not being particularly sports orientated, either of us. i've agreed to go to st.ives to see rachel and other people, so in theory i can just about afford to get there, drinks will be another question, i might just be able to afford a couple drinks if i scrounge about. maybe even more, either way i can get there and that is what matters, anyway i'm not sure if me getting very drunk and then staying at rachels is a very good idea because i know what i'm like.

my cough is like hell it's had me on my knees a few times, i hope it clears up soon.

well thoughts up good night

reading

well, i've been reading manga for a while now and i've eaten through a load of them, why is it that story arcs are cut off too soon eh? oh well onwards and upwards

good night

sleepiness

well i woke up for my driving lesson today, i was jaded, and did it, so i was told by the instructor to wake up more before i start the lesson then. all saints wasn't on for today because they were at a trip to cambridge. so i just loitered at home mostly.
good night then

continuity

the day rolled out pretty much the same as yesterday apart from no doctors
well, good night

missed

well i missed yesterdays post, but it was a good day went ice skating with rachel like i said i would, i actually managed to get her out onto the ice and skating. she wouldn't let go of my hand, it did make me feel needed and a bit lovedmet a nice bloke who showed the pair of us how to stop. it was wonderful. after that we waited in town for zandy, she couldn't stop thinking about him, kept saying his name, i wish someone missed me that much. i suppose that i'll find someone eventually. but those thoughts don't change the pain inside me.

today i visited the doctors about my cough, i've been prescribed a throat spray and he suggested that i get some ear drops for my ear wax, which i suppose is screwing with my hearing, but i don't know if i'll notice the change, maybe it'll make everything clearer, and i've been feelin very tired recently. i reckon that i've been overdoing it and staying awake for too long.
well good night

anticipation

well today i didn't do anything, well the usual, i know i've said it before but i am really psyched for meeting rachel tommorow, i hope that i can still actually skate on the ice without falling flat on my backside, let alone teach someone how to do it... but oh well we'll see then won't we. so good night

blank

sorry about the lateness, i haven't done anything today, just read manga online, Rosario + vampire, it's rather addictive if slightly pornographic, only soft porn, but i havn't done much else, it's as though my mind was too blank to do anything else. well

gunight

dead space 2 YAY

well i went to college in the morning was alright, but the basic costing lesson was boring beyond all belief. but oh well, i still have one hell of a cough, don't know why but i think my lungs are trying to escape out of my mouth. i made a doctors appointment right after i bought dead space 2, i have been anticipating this game for months and it hasn't disappointed me, well i haven't finished it because that would be nuts but i have started it and oooohhh tis goooood. well thats all for tonight sleep well and good night.

mediocrity

well today i went driving, i thought it went pretty well actually, and then i did an experiment with the year threes looking at weights and their effects upon the elasticity of a strawberry lace sweet it was rather fun.

but on another note i am having trouble coming up with names for my posts and i am feeling very psyched about the ice skating. well nunight.

death

i was at a funeral today, my great aunt maureen died. it was a nice service, but i barely knew her to be honest. i was planning to talk about my thoughts on death (cheerful subject) but it's late and i'm tired. so good night

existentialism

my day has been pretty bog standard, wake up, internet, college, home.

I have long since abandoned any illusions of grandeur about my purpose in life, there isn't one, no problems with that. But i feel my life ebbing away like the part of me that is me is fading into the background of the world. it leaves me wondering, why haven't i given myself a purpose, there are a few things that i would like to do, i've always like music, maybe i could try  little art. well i'm trying to teach myself to draw, it's only an attempt at the japanese style but all i can do is copy and replicate what i've seen and only if i stare for long enough. so i'm giving it a go freestyle and i think that i could do a face from the bottom up. if i try again and again that is... the biggest problem is that i can't picture peoples faces in my head, but back to my first point. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, i'm not going to turn to religion, it doesn't have any real answers, not in this life at least. what do i really have though? a lonely existence as a weirdo? but i always feel empty and that being me is an effort. well is this really the 'real' me? or is it just another layer of what isn't me to hide the truth from the world and is the mask slipping?

but, that is enough of my mental problems for tonight, i'll try again tommorow.

skating

sorry i missed yesterday, well i can't remember what i did, i know i've arranged to see rachel next monday and go ice skating, well i'm going to have to teach her how to to begin with. well i'm not very good and i've only ever done it once, well she was there at the time she rented skates then just sat in the stands. not much else, night.

visiting hours

got up today tasha was there pretty  much as i did. went into Northampton and loitered in the centre, watched matilda and ate fried chicken with rice twas nice. i've missed her, and it kills me inside when i leave her.

weird shit

well it started with a driving lesson then there was a presentation on india for the children at the school and then i got home and discussed bondage with a rather beautiful friend, i mean i agreed to buya momento mask if i finally pushed her over the the edge with my flirting, i mean i already call her mistress and i have always been into bondage, i mean who isn't deep down, cause everyone wants control, heh but that was about it. i made sure that she knew that i would march through hell for her, and i really would, i feel like it could be my purpose.

computers

today i have spent the majority of it on computers, great machines when they work. other than that i didn't do much, see ya tomorrow

meh

i am still ill but i don't feel as bad as i did last night, the sleep did me good. but i didn't do much else, it was a lazy day, even for me.

sorry

well sorry that i missed yesterdays post, i didn't have my laptop and i needed to help a friend in town, it was alright, i didn't mind i got a drink out of it and was invited to the st paddy's day celebrations with them.

well today i was very ill and i'm really bunged up, i downloaded the Dead Space 2 demo which has got me psyched for the full game out soon. but other than that it was an uneventful day.

blending

no college again apparently they're still ill so i ended up loitering at home again...

teachers

had a driving lesson this morning which i woke up late for because my git of a phone still had date issues, but other than that it was a good lesson didn't do much wrong, i suppose that i should get the theory test out of the way so i can actually do the test when i can. got back and had a sandwich, tuna and sweetcorn from a little plastic tub, it's pretty addictive actually. went to all saint's they were doing air resistance, which isn't the easiest thing to show in the world, so i threw a quick experiment together to show water resistance and by proxy air resistance as liquid is just like gas except thicker. made spinners with them, they were rather interesting and i explained why they worked, i'm not sure if the kids understood or not but it's the principle of the thing, at least it was good science, although it was only half an answer, the rest of it is equilibria and pressure which i studied during my IB chemistry. so i couldn't exactly tell them about that. but i suppose that half a truth is better than none. although the opposite is true for some things and only half a truth could cause chaos. but what are we here for if not the pursuit of knowledge. i know that what is true is not neccessarily correct because truth is circumstantial to what the speaker knows so everyone can be truthful but not all of them correct. just like every one is guilty of something or another at some point in their lives.

cancellations

i went into college today only to find out that none of the tutors were there. that really slowed up my day as i didn't have anything else to do. i loitered on the internet for a bit but that really screwed with me and i couldn't really do anything that i felt compelled about.

i'm still contemplating how people can feel boredom in a universe lke this, full of wonder and unexplainable phenomenon, well unexplainable by todays standards who knows about tommorow, but i have never understood the reasoning for supernatural beings the 'we don't know so it must be god' mentality which has been held for thousands of years. i know that in america particularly creationists are clinging to this like grim death despite what scientists have shown. I know that an inquisitive person who is given enough time could develop science as people have throughout the ages. i admit that faith in moderation with a decent set of morals can be a good thing so long as the person or child knows that there are other options for what to believe so they aren't presented as an absolute truth that is the be all and end all of knowledge.

uncertainty

I had college today, didn't start until 12 though, it was a rather nice, but fitful, lie in. had an IT lesson, was rather useful actually i learnt all about 'vlookup' on excel, a rather useful little tool, although i do think that i will need more practise with it. i had book keeping as well, learnt how to make and organise profit and loss and balance sheets. michael turned up today, had a bit of a chat, but i was too sober to be in a talking mood with anyone. I still have no idea about what i should do, well the saturday deadline is too close for me to hit to be honest so if i do try for the primary ed (or anything else) it will be for 2012. so i've got time to decide on what i want. but i'm tired and can't be bothered at them moment. until next time.

decisions decisions

I went into town because i needed to sort out my phone, and i wanted to meet rachel, turns out i missed her which was a shame. but she is taking a proactive look at her life and setting up a future in primary education. i, on the other hand, can't make the decision whether to stay with the accounting or to try for primary ed. well i am finding the accountancy very easy at the moment but that will probably change, i could stay with this, i reckon that i could hold onto this until the end and become an MAAT, that'd be good i could become a self employed accountant for small businesses or move up and become chartered that would have the possibility of earning me alot of money. while if i went with the primary ed i, i'm not sure, i find helping at all saint's enjoyable, i'm not sure if i could handle the workload, or thirty or so kids, i mean i would probably try to overcomplicate things, like the science lessons i help with, i dislike teaching people bad science, well most science that you are taught up to a degree level is bad science in one way or another, but apart from that i might end up trying to explain to the children atomic theory, how could they possibly comprehend atomic theory, they don't tell you about it at KS2, at KS3 the simplify it to the extreme and at Further ed (which is my current limit) they go right into shell theory which can be a right bitch. but back to my day. I didn't get around to returning the maths books i suppose that i will have to return them at some point, athough they probably don't care or even know about them because they don't do the course anymore, well they never complained when i didn't return the biology and chemistry books. but how long will the science books stay in date anyway because the subjects are always changing and evolving to greater levels of understanding. i know that some people wallow in ignorance though, i have always attributed this to fear. but after a debate (yes lets call it that) with a christian creationist about evidence and faith. i now know that some people are just willingly blind to the world because that is how they were brought up and educated and so they will push it onto other people in the name of the 'almighty'. blind acceptance is never a way forward, it's only ever a way of dragging people down with you. but i didn't do much else today so i'm going to call this it. til tommorow.

quiet night

woke up late again, well i didn't have anything to do today and i didn't go anywhere. loitered on the internet all day and i arranged to meet rachel (the girl who i discussed going halves with on a flat in the day after yesterday) , sortov, well yes i should see her in town before we nip to TDA cause she's got a meeting and i need to drop off the books i used for my retakes. I wonder if she realised that i was being serious about it because i have never really been serious with her, i supose it is a defensive mechanism against socialising and human interaction. i know that commitment scares me, well only while sober, i do become more of a 'people person' after a few pints and it really lets down my defenses, makes me happier aswell. i mean, thats true freedom isn't it, when you can wear your heart on your sleeve and bare everything, what can be done to you if you already have given them everything. i did the washing up, very fulfilling work and charater building i suppose. but tommorow is another day and it should be a good one.

saturday night fever

i woke up pretty late, even for me, went to my grandmas to tell her the good news, she gave me bucks fizz and got me to ring a relative that i barely know. went into town had a few drinks with a couple of friends it was a good time, had a few pints of guinness, nectar of the gods, well that and fish'n'chips. played a few of the quiz games on the machine in the pub, i won a quid but lost overall, put quite a bit into the bloody thing.  but it doesn't matter, it was a good laugh. it did make me feel quite lonely though because i wouldn't feel able to on my own, because i am not that kind of person. although one of my friends aquantances, he didn't really consider her to be a friend, was pretty fit actually. god i'm a self pitying bastard.

results day

i got up early went into college, had a really dry two lessons. i'm not sure what i should do about my future now i've got about a week to decide on whether or not to apply to uni, and if i do go, what can i do, i doubt that i'll be able to study chemistry who'd take me i mean i only got a 4 in it. i'm completely lost as to what to do. I could stay with the accountancy right to the end, that is a definite possibility. I'm not sure if i have the commitment to study at a degree level yet. went to my grandmas to tell her the good news about my results but she wasn't in... didn't do much else.

i wanted to talk to the girl that i had discussed renting a place with, but i didn't get a chance to. oh well life goes on whether you want it to or not. til tommorow night or tonight i think it might be because it has gone 12 midnight

the day after yesterday

I didn't do much today, woke up at about elevenish and had a sandwich, theres nothing quite like tescos own brand chicken tikka, i'm not sure if thats a good thing but it's bloody tasty. i check the results for the retakes i did in november, i actually got it this time, which is always good, but it doesn't fill the hole that i've got. but i wasn't expecting it too. well maybe there was a glimmer of hope in my head but it was nieve. helped at all saints again the science lessons are always good they were doing the forces of push and pull but i did end up marking spelling tests nothing too bad i mean they're only seven the hardest on there was probably drawer and thats only the pronunciation.

I've thought about flat sharing with a friend of mine, don't know what she is planning on doing apart from doing a bit of work at our old school while i'll get a placement at an accountants with day release for the next part of my course. i'd be fine with that, at least i wouldn't be alone all the time but i would have to kurb some of my habits and tidy myself up a bit, that is if we ever get around to doing it.

new starts

i am 6997 days old, woo i will be 7000 days old on the 9th, but this day the only thing that will make this different is the fact that i've started this and i don't know if t would stand out anyway as i have a wholy unremarkable life. but i would like to think of it as a new output from my life so that i can focus my thoughts more and stop myself from going of on random tangents and spouting crap to myself in front of people, i mean, i'm pretty defensive as it is and i don't really know how to talk to people so i breed awkward situations. this doesn't help my social insecurities making me even lonelier. well i know there is a hole in my heart, and i know who i need to fill it, but she will never love me like that and i die inside a little everytime i see her and i already feel pretty empty as it is. i know that i need to move on, but how can i? i can't handle people, i fear change and i'm about as subtle as a bat to the head.

i didn't do much today, went to college did a few lessons, at least WEAF is finished, the dryest subject i've ever looked at  i don't know who decided on it but they obviously don't have a life (not thati have much of one to be honest), and the bloke who was lecturing in basic costing had a voice that just made me sleep, well at least until the girl next to me poked me in the arm with a rather sharp pen and i did absolutely nothing in the other lesson, i'm not sure whether or not i would be able to get through another day like that without a headache. well i'm not there tommorrow, i've only got one thing planned and i haven't got much money. oh well i really need sleep i've been up for about 17 hours now and i didn't sleep much last night.

but i'm trying too hard and i'm gonna burn out quickly i reckon and run out of ideas. meh i dunno what i am going to talk about, i could have a 'thought of the day' where i spout some random crap and complain about the bloody Tories and that lying hypocrite Clegg or some other random crap that'll spark my anger gland. and i could just say what i did during the time between postings.