existentialism

my day has been pretty bog standard, wake up, internet, college, home.

I have long since abandoned any illusions of grandeur about my purpose in life, there isn't one, no problems with that. But i feel my life ebbing away like the part of me that is me is fading into the background of the world. it leaves me wondering, why haven't i given myself a purpose, there are a few things that i would like to do, i've always like music, maybe i could try  little art. well i'm trying to teach myself to draw, it's only an attempt at the japanese style but all i can do is copy and replicate what i've seen and only if i stare for long enough. so i'm giving it a go freestyle and i think that i could do a face from the bottom up. if i try again and again that is... the biggest problem is that i can't picture peoples faces in my head, but back to my first point. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, i'm not going to turn to religion, it doesn't have any real answers, not in this life at least. what do i really have though? a lonely existence as a weirdo? but i always feel empty and that being me is an effort. well is this really the 'real' me? or is it just another layer of what isn't me to hide the truth from the world and is the mask slipping?

but, that is enough of my mental problems for tonight, i'll try again tommorow.